


all you had to do was stay.

by princessguard



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Dark Road Spoilers, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:21:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24893833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessguard/pseuds/princessguard
Summary: Eraqus knows everything there is to know about Xehanort.That adorable habit he possesses of turning away from Eraqus and refusing to look at him to avoid showing amusement at his quote-unquote; “stupid jokes”, how he had painstakingly picked the prettiest flowers for Eraqus when he was upset and then proceeded to insist that they were absolutely not from him, how his hands used to shake when he first held his keyblade (sometimes they still do), and how he, more often than not, puts on a façade. Xehanort can pretend around others, fool them into thinking that he is the perfect, well-put-together student, but not him— never him. That is why when Xehanort first started to show signs of crumbling, Eraqus noticed right away.So why,whyis he not able to tell what Xehanort is thinking right now?Or: That Cutscene from chapter one of KHDR, written from Eraqus' pov.
Relationships: Eraqus & Xehanort (Kingdom Hearts), Eraqus/Xehanort (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 63





	all you had to do was stay.

**Author's Note:**

> me: why do people like angst so much?  
> me: *writes angst*
> 
> this all started after i had a mental breakdown after watching That Cutscene in dark road. after looping simple and clean for hours, i had a revelation in the shower and this happened.
> 
> this is my first time posting something i've written so please excuse any mistakes. contains spoilers for dark road of course. <3

Ever since Xehanort came into Eraqus’ life, the two have been nothing short of inseparable. Despite their two conflicting personalities, they were able to form a bond akin to best friends in just a short matter of time. Students and masters alike often comment on the nature of their friendship, whispering to each other while smothering knowing smiles. The widely held consensus among the individuals in Scala Ad Caelum goes like this— wherever Xehanort goes, Eraqus is never far behind.

Eraqus knows everything there is to know about Xehanort. 

That adorable habit he possesses of turning away from Eraqus and refusing to look at him to avoid showing amusement at his quote-unquote; “stupid jokes”, how he had painstakingly picked the prettiest flowers for Eraqus when he was upset and then proceeded to insist that they were _absolutely not_ from him, how his hands used to shake when he first held his keyblade (sometimes they still do), and how he, more often than not, puts on a façade. Xehanort can pretend around others, fool them into thinking that he is the perfect, well-put-together student, but not him— never him. That is why when Xehanort first started to show signs of breaking, Eraqus noticed right away.

So why, _why_ is he not able to tell what Xehanort is thinking right now?

Eraqus huffs, wrapping his haori tighter around him. He’s been walking for what feels like forever, searching frantically for Xehanort. It's starting to pour, droplets of water trailing uncomfortably down his face and the back of his neck. Xehanort hadn’t returned for hours now, and Eraqus, having gotten anxious of waiting, had thrown open the doors and left in a flurry of panic, completely disregarding the overcast sky. 

The rain seeps into his clothes, leaving him chilled to the bone. _Dammit. I should have thought about taking an umbrella._ Eraqus sighs, quickening his pace. There isn’t a single doubt in his mind that Xehanort is caught in the rain too, but unlike Eraqus, he probably has no plans of rushing to find shelter. He's going to get sick, and when he does, Eraqus will worry, the absolute _idiot_ —

...Speak of the devil.

The dreary graveyard swims into view before him and there is the familiar silhouette of Xehanort’s back hunched over a tombstone. All at once, Eraqus is sighing in relief, knees almost buckling underneath him. Loathe as he is to admit it, a small, insecure part of him had thought that maybe Xehanort finally left without a single goodbye— left Scala Ad Caelum, left _him_. He bites his lip, suddenly unsure of what to say. It’s not that he's at a loss of words— it is quite the opposite. There are too many things he wants to say, too many words too heavy on his tongue for him to voice out.

_You— you don’t know how glad I am that you’re safe. Just how long have you been here? How much are you hurting?_

_**Why won’t you talk to me?** _

“You’re leaving?” is what he ends up blurting out instead. The other man doesn’t so much as flinch at the sound of his voice. Ah. So Xehanort had been aware of his presence the whole time, waiting for him to break the silence. Eraqus can feel his face flush, embarrassed. Of course Xehanort knew— he must have heard him bumbling around behind him, choosing what to say like an idiot. 

Exhaling, Eraqus unfurls his fingers from where they had been digging into the palms of his hands, leaving behind crescent moon-shaped indents. He can't let Xehanort see him like this— unsure, anxious, upset. After all, he is Eraqus, the more cheerful one of the two, the one who always knows what to say. Plastering a shaky smile on his face, Eraqus takes a few steps closer, stopping only a few feet away from the silver-haired man. He can see the sheer grief plain as day in his expression. It is so… So, unlike the glimpses he would occasionally catch seeping through the cracks of his mask that it takes all the breath out of his lungs and leaves him feeling like his heart is being split into two. It is too much to bear; Xehanort, who would rather die than wear his heart on his sleeve, looks mere seconds away from crying.

“Yeah,” comes the curt reply from Xehanort, face still turned away from him. It seems that is all he has to say and Eraqus can't stop the disappointment welling up in him. What did he think? That Xehanort would magically change his mind after some reflection? Who wouldn’t want to go, after all that? Still… Maybe he had been too presumptuous in thinking he is different, that maybe Xehanort would stay. For him.

_Let me take your pain away, Xeha—_

“We had some good times, huh?” Eraqus presses on, still doing his best to maintain his cheery disposition. He’s faring… quite well right now. It would do none of them any good if he starts crying. Xehanort hates it when he cries, constantly teasing him about how ugly he looks each time. Whether he meant it or not, he would always sigh and gently thumb the tears away from his eyes, going, _“There, that’s enough, Era,”_ , sometimes even embracing him when words failed him. Briefly, Eraqus wonders what it would be like to take him into his arms now, to tell him that no, maybe nothing will be alright, but I’m here and I always will be.

“Yeah,” comes the same standoffish reply again, and Eraqus smiles sadly. 

“You don’t have to leave.” _I don’t want you to leave._

 _That_ causes a shift in his expression. Xehanort completely doesn’t respond this time, the subtle tightening of his jaw being the only evidence of him having even heard Eraqus’ words. Eraqus can practically see the internal struggle Xehanort is having with himself, and it hurts. Xehanort has always had the tendency to overthink, to get wrapped up in his own thoughts. Sometimes it would get so bad that only Eraqus’ words are able to pull him out of it. 

He takes a step closer. “What happened wasn’t your fault.”

Xehanort stiffens considerably.

So that was it. Dread pools in his stomach. All this time, he _did_ think it was his fault.

“I just want to see more of what’s out there before the Mark of Mastery exam,” he is quick to respond this time, deflecting from Eraqus’ statement and Eraqus visibly deflates. He had given the other man an open chance to talk about his feelings and they both know it.

Right. The exam. With everything happening, the exam had been the last thing on his mind. When Xehanort becomes a Keyblade Master, what then? Would he completely up and leave for good, travelling the worlds without ever coming back to see him again? 

That is the downside of knowing Xehanort so well, he supposes— even if nothing is explicitly said to him, Eraqus always has an inkling of what Xehanort is feeling. If he really, truly believes it was his fault, he would leave Scala to escape the painful memories. An ugly feeling curls within him when he realizes just how afraid he is of that happening, of never seeing him again.

“That’s not for a while,” Eraqus argues, the urgency of the situation finally settling in. This might well be the last chance he has to convince him to stay, the last chance he has to change his mind before he loses him for good. “Besides, you’ve already seen what’s out there.” 

It isn’t as if he is scrabbling at nothing. Xehanort did come from the outside world after all, a factor that made him so much more fascinating to Eraqus, fueling his determination to become friends with him when he first arrived. Unbeknownst to him, what had started as an innocent curiosity about the mysterious boy from the outside world bloomed into overwhelmingly childish happiness just being with him and fluttering heartbeats at the mere thought of him. Just like that, Eraqus found himself drawn to the other man, hoping to spend more time with him.

“Not everything,” Xehanort speaks, eyes still trained on the flowers before him. It frustrates Eraqus to no end— Xehanort has never shied away from eye contact before but now he wouldn’t so much as look his way. Can he not see just how desperate Eraqus is? Or is he simply choosing not to, refusing the hand reaching out to him?

“What are you looking for?” _Why won’t you even look at me?_ Eraqus whispers, the fight in him crumbling. Silence. And then, for the first time since Eraqus had arrived, Xehanort moves to stand, walking past him without a single glance.

So, this is it, then? Pain swells unrestrained in his chest, threatening to devour him whole. _Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go,_ his mind screams but his feet remain rooted to the ground. 

This is real and it’s happening— he is truly going to lose him forever. Eraqus has no idea what more to say, how to be _enough_ to make Xehanort stay. He feels hollow, the rain pouring down even harder and pounding loudly in his ears. It almost feels like the higher beings are mocking him, letting him see Xehanort once more to provide him with a sliver of hope that maybe, maybe he can convince him and make him stay, only to wrench it away. 

And then, Eraqus is just angry. No— he can't let Xehanort leave like this. He has to say something. If he doesn't, he will regret this moment forever.

“Fine, but you better come back,” he finds himself turning to yell at Xehanort. “We still have a score to settle.”

That got Xehanort to pause. His back is still turned to him, but it’s a victory to Eraqus nonetheless. Feeling emboldened, he continues, a smirk creeping onto his face as he speaks in that lilting tone he always used to tease Xehanort. “I’m at 117 wins, 312 losses and 8 draws.” 

Without missing a beat, Xehanort sighs. “You mean 107 wins, 323 losses and 7 draws.” 

_He remembered._ His mind whispers. _He kept track, all this time._

The realization is almost enough to emotionally sway Eraqus. It’s ridiculous. He shouldn’t be this happy to know Xehanort cared enough to keep count. Eraqus can feel a lump forming in his throat, hands clenching with uncertainty. Tears prickle his eyes and threaten to spill over, but he maintains that arrogant smile on his face as he speaks. “Whatever. Close enough.”

“Do you seriously mean that?” Xehanort chokes out, whirling around in such a frenzy that it shocks Eraqus. Even under the rain, wet and dripping and soaked to the bone, Xehanort is still breathtaking. Those beautiful grey eyes are wide, his expression pained. Eraqus can feel a shiver running through him and, _oh God, he’s definitely going to regret standing around like this for so long after_. But none of that matters, not when Xehanort is finally looking at Eraqus again.

 _You finally looked at me._ “Knew I’d get you to turn around.” _I’m happy I got to see you like this one last time._

He was wrong. He can’t change Xehanort’s mind but maybe… Maybe the promise of their friendship will bring him back. Smiling ruefully, he raises a hand in a wave. “See you soon, buddy.”

The rain seemed to beat down even harder at this point. God did it hurt, it hurt so much. Xehanort smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“See you.”

And Eraqus watches— he watches as Xehanort turns to leave for real this time. Watches, even as the smile slips off his face and tears start to run down his face as he sobs. Continues to watch as his figure moves away, further, and further, until he disappears completely from his view. And even when Xehanort is long gone, he stays, tilting his head up to the sky, letting the rain wash over his face and meld with his tears.

All the words in the world will never be enough to make Xehanort stay. He knows that, but it still hurts. What could he have done better? If he had confessed, told him how he really felt, would that have been enough?

There’s no point mulling over this now. Xehanort made a choice, and that’s all there is to it. He has to accept it. To move on.

Sniffling, Eraqus reaches up to wipe at his eyes. His eyes catch sight of the lilies Xehanort had left behind. White. The same colour as the flowers Xehanort had gifted him. 

_“Enough already— I told you they weren’t from me. Who has time to pick you flowers, anyway? It must have been some secret admirer.”_

_“…Secret admirer, hm? Ah— are you saying you’re in love with me, Xehanort!?”_

_“Huh? That’s not what I— shut up!”_

Night breaks as the rain starts to let up, clouds parting for the silver moon. Eraqus sighs. Time to go.

“Yeah. See you.”

**Author's Note:**

> 🎶 when you walk away,  
> you don't hear me say,  
> please, oh baby,  
> don't go 🎶


End file.
